Now...

It must have been years since the last time I wrote here. Many things have changed since then. My life can be said as a lot better and happier compared to years ago. I am now engaged to my beloved fiance. We are going to get married in a few months. It surely makes me, hmm.. us, feel wonderful.

Life also looks a lot better now. Works and family seem to be really good. However, there are still something missing or so I feel now. Losing some beloved family members still a few years back still "haunts" me now. What if they are still alive? Would everything be different now? Would my family and I be a lot happier? Yet still, no satisfying answer can be given to these questions.

Maybe, I should stop regretting things that had  happened. I should have moved on for all of those things a long time ago, but it is not as easy as taking candies from a baby, which actually turns out to be much more difficult, to take candies from a baby I mean. There are things that always hold me back from moving on. Memories, remorse and everything seem to not allow me to move on and keep up with my life like I used to, before all of those things happened.

Being happy, I guess, is my own choice. I can let the sadness overwhelm me or let it go. Yet, choosing between those two choices is kinda hard. I think, so far, I prefer choosing both of them. Sometimes, when I want to feel the sadness, then I just decide to be sad and reminisce anything from parts of that memory. Nonetheless, when I want to forget about this sadness a little on some other times, I can just shift my focus to something that makes me happy. The prospects that I have with my fiance, family and everyone ahead often lighten my mood and make everything seem a lot better.

My Hope and the Dream

Years ago, I saw you walking on those stairs, doing exactly what I did the day before yesterday. You smiled happily to me right before your name was called. I remembered how happy you were, we all were. Right that second I said to myself, you had to see me walking on those stairs as contentedly as you were. However, it turned out that my wish did not come true. You were not there watching me ending this stage, smiling towards me as I did so. You are not even here anymore.

Last night, I dreamt of you. I saw your face and happy smile again after months, after the so called reality I could not yet accept. It felt like you were still here doing this and that as you used to. You looked very happy though you knew that you would be taken away from all of us very soon. It saddened me. I tried my best to make those last days wonderful for you, for us all, yet it seemed that it was personally not enough for me. I hoped I had made you a lot happier. Had I? Had I not? No one could answer the questions.

Maybe I should not have written this after all. I may be the one who is unwise in this matter. This rambling may hurt many people come to think of it. But, I never mean a single thing like that to happen. I just want you to know, I miss you very much, Mbak. I wish you were there last Saturday. I wish you were here now.